You come into existence,

your brain comes online,

you become a functioning unit

then you’re like… the fuck?

Today is the best day of your life…

Just in a dream.

Wow, this is a bit of a tightrope we all live on.

I’ve thought many times about suicide…

This repetitive, mind-numbing, soul-killing experience…

I keep goin’ on, I dunno.

I found little tricks, little things to do and really nothing helped.

I didn’t want to ask anybody for help.

It’s always work a day here, work a day there.

There’s the sketchier, I-need-rent, Craigslist segment.

Let’s go out every night and get fucking wrecked

I don’t do ketamine so I really don’t fit in

A foot fetish job, then…

Can you translate my book?

I keep reminding myself of my own self-worth.

What’s going to keep me happy?

It’s useless to protect people-

the worst thing you can do to a human being

Why?! Why is it sad that people die?

I was almost dead.

I went to Rome… to die.

You cannot predict anything

‘come round my house, suck my dick, I’ll give you 100EU’

I almost lost someone that I love more than anything in the universe –

I probably will be deathly ill again –

One day, no money, no laptop, no phone, no girlfriend… nothing –

Fuck it, I’ll just go and figure it out.

Fuck, what am I going to do?

Then we ended up getting featured in Vogue.

There’s a lot of darkness in front of me,

but I have faith that I’m going to be fine,

Otherwise, you’d spend your life going in circles and not really living at all.

Look back and go wow I really lived.

Don’t lock yourself away in your apartment,

be aware that how you eat affects you.

you start to realise that Ah! This is going to sustain me!

Then… You’re never disappointed.

Alles wiederholt sich.

We just said We could be… even though we’re not.

Instead of a place of lack, I come from a place of gain.

Happiness, just happiness.

Not settling for anything less than the best I’ve got to give.

To realise you’re so tiny compared to the rest of existence

Nobody fucking tells you this shit.

But I’ve made this decision, that I want to exist –

And you have to experience it yourself.

 

Written by Berlin, curated by Lora of Berlin Untelevised for the monthly project Voices of Berlin.

How I Stay Alive poem Voices of Berlin January Berlin Untelevised

 

Voices of Berlin is Berlin Untelevised‘s monthly Lives project. This project is to show the connection behind real lives within this both crazy and wonderful city by asking it’s many residents one question or theme a month. Our ultimate goal is to curate a collection of accounts on many topics, ending each month with an abstract poem created through that month’s selection of responses and, thus, transform Berlin into a poet.

Remember to read the collection of accounts that contributed to January’s How I Stay Alive poem here. If you’re a Berliner, find out how to add a contribution by emailing the editor of Lives at lorathepoet(@)gmail.com. 

The theme for February will be My Worst Nightmare.